My Son Only Contacts Me When He Wants Something

As a mother, nothing hurts more than the sinking feeling I get when my son only contacts me when he wants something. I hold my phone close, waiting for his name to light up my screen, only to be met with requests for money, rides across town, or a place to do his laundry.

​ My longing for his voice and to know what’s going on in his world seems to play second fiddle to the convenience I can provide him. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t make me feel more like an ATM than a parent at times. But I also know this strained communication pattern between me and my son is a common struggle many moms face.

I want to understand why my son only contacts me when he wants something and transform our relationship into one where he desires connection beyond what I can give him. I miss my boy and the closeness we used to have. while this common pattern is frustrating and disheartening, there are often valid reasons behind it. with understanding and proactive communication, you can transform the dynamic into a more positive one.

Is It Normal for My Son to Only Contact Me When He Wants Something?

it very hurts that my son only contacts me when he need something, I have come to accept that sadly, his this behavior is normal. Bacause a recent survey showed a whopping 85% of moms feel their adult sons fit into the pattern of only contacting them when requests are on the table.

Raising kids, you picture this lifelong, unbreakable bond – calls just to catch up, family dinners, standing Sunday coffee dates. But life gets in the way, on both sides. My boy is busy chasing his dreams, finding love, building a career…and somewhere along the way, his dear old mom has fallen in priority. At least for now.

One day, if I’m blessed with grandchildren, his perspective will shift and he’ll understand the yearning I feel to hear his voice. But until then, I strive to walk the line between giving him space to grow up while also keeping my mother’s heart open and arms outstretched. I may need to do the heavy lifting for a while when it comes to staying connected. But that’s a mom’s love.

7 Reasons Why Your Son Only Contacts You When He Wants Something

There are a few common reasons why son only contacts you when he wants something:

He’s Grown Accustomed to This Pattern

My son has fallen into this comfortable pattern where I’m his go-to when he needs something. Money, advice, a couch to crash on – I’m the soft place to land. I enabled this in his younger years, jumping through hoops to help without requiring much effort on his part to maintain our connection. Whenever he called with any request, I’d bend over backwards to make it happen, no questions asked. I have to remember this dynamic became ingrained over 18+ years of childhood where I taught him my love is unconditional.

So in his mind, of course mom will show up to help, because I always have. He expects me to be there time and time again, because that precedent got set early on. Our history laid the foundation for this current strained communication; him only extending a hand out when it’s followed swiftly by an open palm. I played a role by not nudging more balance earlier. But moving forward, I can lovingly set some new patterns.

He Avoids Emotional Vulnerability

I know my tender-hearted boy finds it hard to open up, especially to mom. He doesn’t want to worry me with heavy stuff going on in his world or have me try to swoop in and fix things.

I notice when we talk, it’s mainly surface-level details about his job or his roommate drama. But he avoids unveiling bigger vulnerabilities around relationships, insecurities, fears or struggles. It’s easier for him to talk logistics of what tangible thing he needs rather than delve into deeper feelings or questions he’s wrestling with. I strive to be a safe space where he can unload those emotional burdens, but he’s going to unveil his soul on his own timeline.

As his mom, my arms are wide open whenever he’s ready to fall into them and get real. Until then, I walk the tightrope between letting him set the cadence while also reassuring him this mama can handle the heavy stuff whenever he’s ready. I want to be both a soft place to land and a sturdy bridge to hold him up.

He Lacks Awareness of His Behavior

My son has always been a bit oblivious and somewhat self-focused, often plowing ahead towards his goals without tuning into his impact on others along the way. I honestly doubt it has even dawned on him that only calling me when he needs a favor or handout could hurt this mama’s heart. In his mind, he likely sees himself as resourceful for leveraging his support system. And that network in his eyes includes dear old mom, always ready to scoop him up if needed.

While I know his intent isn’t malicious, the lack of awareness around how one-sided our recent interactions have been is where opportunity lies. A gentle but candid conversation is in order to lovingly raise his consciousness. I need to explain how only hearing from him when he wants something makes me feel used at times. My aim won’t be to guilt him but rather illuminate a blind spot, giving him the chance to course correct our dynamic. I know once his eyes are opened, he’ll step up.

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His Upbringing Plays a Role

I notice my son mirrors some of the emotional distancing coping mechanisms I subconsciously modeled as he grew up. When life got tough, I tended to clamp up, put my head down, and power through without reaching out for help. I realize now I never gave him or his dad an invitation to support me in those times, instead just trucking along silently.

My son saw me survive struggles independently for all those years, so me leaning solely on my own grit rather than interdependence likely shaped his detachment today. It’s easier for both of us to talk logistics of problems rather than dive deep into messy feelings. But unpacking those generational patterns could unlock growth for us both. As much as it stings when my son only contacts me when he wants something,

I’m reminded that I influenced this in ways. My aim now is to open the door to more vulnerability. If I model openness first, embracing the discomfort, maybe in time he’ll feel safe to follow.

He Feels a Sense of Entitlement

Because I’m mom, I owe him ongoing assistance, no matter how one-sided our dynamic gets. I poured so much into raising him with seemingly endless love and sacrifice, so perhaps he assumes payback is required now via my nonstop support. A subtle sense of entitlement towards my help may have crept in over the years that I may have inadvertently fed by overgiving.

In my desire to be a good mom, I said yes to most requests whether reasonable or not, without requiring much reciprocity to keep our bond balanced. Skipping that step of measured emotional or physical effort from his side taught him on some level that my job is to give and his is to receive. Establishing healthier boundaries moving forward shows love too, even when initially tough to enforce. As he matures, I believe he’ll gain more awareness around relationship give-and-take.

He is Still Maturing Emotionally

At 25, my son straddles that line between wanting independence and still needing his mama at times. One day he’s a fully self-sufficient adult, the next he’s asking me to edit his resume. It’s the ebb and flow of growing up. But emotional intelligence and maturity develops slowly in boys. 

I have to remind myself that while he’s an adult on paper, he still has some maturation to do when it comes to nurturing relationships interdependently. For now, it’s often me putting in a lot of the effort to keep our connection alive, while also applauding even small acts of reciprocity from him.

I’m trying to stay patient as I watch him slowly journey down the winding road towards relational and emotional maturity. He’ll get there. In the meantime, I balance patience with kindly challenging patterns when needed. My aim is to give him space to spread his wings, while also modeling healthy relating so he keeps evolving.

Your Past Actions Enabled This

They say you reap what you sow, and looking back, I can own the times I didn’t require measured reciprocity from my son when it came to our relationship. In those early years, I fell into the common trap of overgiving – driving him everywhere, doing his laundry, editing his papers, being his personal alarm clock and short order cook. I now see that always skipping that “payment” of effort from his side taught him over time that our dynamic could lean lopsided yet still function fine.

My enabling convinced him on some level that I would keep showing up with support, regardless of whether he extended the same care in return. He learned that mom would always be there with an open wallet, car keys in hand, wise advice on call – no relational deposit required from him. Unraveling those ingrained behaviors now requires introspection and courage on my part.

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What to Do When Your Son Only Contacts You When He Wants Something

There are positive steps you can take to encourage growth and change:

Initiate Regular Check-Ins

I’m going to take the initiative to start scheduling regular check-in calls with my son, maybe every Sunday evening. Keeping it consistent without a transactional purpose gives us a chance to simply catch up, chat about our weeks, and stay updated on each other’s lives. I’ll ask curious questions, share funny stories, and model vulnerability about my own happenings. My aim is for these calls to feel enjoyable rather than obligatory. Our dynamic can’t shift overnight, but with care and consistency, we’ll hopefully form a new positive pattern.

Encourage Vulnerability

During our check-ins, I strive to create a safe atmosphere where my son feels comfortable unveiling any heavier stuff happening under the surface. I’ll ask thoughtful questions, meet him without judgement, and empathize with any struggles he’s facing. Opening up goes both ways, so I plan to lead by example sharing my own ups and downs too. As trust builds through this consistent relating, I believe his avoidance of emotional vulnerability will slowly melt away over time.

Communicate Your Feelings

The next time my son calls asking for a favor, I plan to muster the courage beforehand to lovingly share my feelings afterwards. I’ll explain that while I want to support him, I’d really cherish some non-transactional connection as well because this imbalance hurts. My intent won’t be to blame him but rather illuminate my inner world, giving him insight into the impact of solely need-based relating. I aim to speak authentically from the heart so he truly understands where I’m coming from. 

Suggest Quality Time

Along with check-ins, I want to proactively suggest some mom-son quality time – perhaps trying that new café downtown or attending a sports game together like we used to when he was little. Choosing activities we can both enjoy deepens our bond beyond obligation and makes room for meaningful connection to unfold organically. I believe doing life side by side is an investment, slowly transforming the foundation of our relationship into one where the delight of each other’s company far outweighs what I can provide him.

Respond With Compassion

Along with check-ins, I want to proactively suggest some mom-son quality time – perhaps trying that new café downtown or attending a sports game together like we used to when he was little. Choosing activities we can both enjoy deepens our bond beyond obligation and makes room for meaningful connection to unfold organically. I believe doing life side by side is an investment, slowly transforming the foundation of our relationship into one where the delight of each other’s company far outweighs what I can provide him.

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Final Words My Son Only Contacts You When He Wants Something

If your son only contacts you when he wants something, know that this painful dynamic is familiar for many moms. Try not to take it personally. Instead, operate from a place of understanding. Your son likely doesn’t intend harm. He simply got swept up in the trajectory of his own life. Have compassion while also establishing healthy boundaries and mutual expectations moving forward. 

Be the heart that keeps reaching out, modeling the relationship you hope to have. In time, with love and consistency, he’ll catch up to you emotionally. Your connection can evolve into one where casual catch-ups are as second nature as practical asks. For now, stand in confidence knowing your mother’s love provides the steady foundation he’ll keep circling back to, now and for years to come. This season will pass.